Jack's back! Only joking, it's me again... with an exciting murder mystery!

Rather than tending to my own, abandoned blog, instead I decided to spend my time here, willing away the hours writing useless stuff that no one will ever use or consider. I'll be in the history books one day you know. Eddie the Illuminator; they'll call me, for I enlighten those without knowledge of the techni - colored bananascape that is indeed my brain. But no, I'm here to tell you that that good for nothing son of a gun, Jack the defiler, is dead. Yes you read that right, dead. It was Christmas eve when we found him, his mangled corpse sprawled across the kitchen table like a shredded, bleeding rag. He had been lacerated by a madman, at least that's what the police said. Whoever he was, not only had he ruined our Christmas dinner, but got blood all over my mother's favorite white tablecloth. Such heinous crimes are intolerable in the eyes of society, so I took it upon myself to solve this MURDER MYSTERY. 

Step 1: Searching for clues.

I returned to the scene of the crime the very next day, and donned my super cool imaginary detective hat as I looked in the one place no forensics expert would ever think to look: under the table. There I found:

A moldy bowl of mashed potatoes.

The bloodied corpse of King Julian.

A mindless beast from hell who randomly combusted.

Each was an important clue, but try as I might, the only thing of use I actually found were the blood flecked shards of a smashed plate, which could possible have been used as the murder weapon.

Step 2: Analyzing the evidence. 

I speedily returned to my top secret underground fungeon, where I rushed to super computer and asked it to analyse the shards for fingerprints. It found only one set: my own. I therefore concluded that I was the murderer. However however however, the computer also revealed that there were leftover particles of beef left on the plate, and as I didn't eat any beef on Christmas eve, I knew it couldn't be me who was the murderer. I eventually decided that I would have to research phycotic  beef eaters to discover the true identity of Jack's murderer. 

A possible suspect

Step 3: Research

I googled 'beef eaters' and just look what came up: 

The new prime suspects

The color of their coats is almost the same color as Jack's blood. Also, they are each carrying tolling bells, a well known vicious murder weapon. Unfortunately, I was unable to track these monsters down so had to come up with a new lead. That lead came in the form of the shape of the plate shard, a triangle. Pyramids are just 3D triangles, so I decided to google 'pyramids' and see where that took me. My search led me to ancient Egypt, where I discovered that Egypt is no longer that ancient and demanded my money back from the manipulative flight company. I was flown back to the wrong country though, and ended up in a diner watching an aged episode of 'Parks and recreation', where I suddenly realised who the true murderer was.


Step 4: The final picture.

It all made sense. He eats beef. He has his own pyramid. Yes, that's right. The murderer is: (Drum roll please..) Ron Swanson! 

This vital piece of evidence was the final clue in identifying the true killer.

The murderer himself

Hey! I'm still not Jack...

Yep, it's true. Jack is the laziest, most useless person in the entire Earth. He has to be the worst blogger in existence, not least because he doesn't POST anything! So once again, it falls to poor old me to entertain the masses (my last post on here got a whole 2 page views! One of them was me...) by posting up random stuff that doesn't mean anything but fills up the blog until Jack gets off his lazy ass and does something non the less. In fact, Jack does so little he probably won't even READ all this abuse I've spent so long giving him. Which is good in it's own way I suppose. He might cry. Anyways, if you haven't died reading this already and read my last post on here, you may want to see what I think of some pictures! Let's search google images for the first thing that comes in to my head...

I searched for 'cheese and crackers', and look what this pile of crap gave me! I mean what sort of man would eat a serving that small! There's probably only about 50 crackers on that tray! And what sort of man would have room to eat GRAPES after he's finished with the cheese and crackers? A decent portion for a snack would have to contain at least 10000 calories, which would leave no room for healthy stuff like that, according to the National minister for food.

'By law, all servings of cheese and crackers must contain at least 10000 calories and 200kg of fat of which at least half should be saturated. Failure to comply with these regulations will result in a fine of up to £3000.' - The National minister for food (certainly not standing on a trapdoor above a bubbling pit of lava with me maniacally cackling as I clutch the lever which opens it, in case you were wondering.)   

This Snickers cheesecake looks delicious. In fact, I might just have to try making one myself. Just look at that fantastic cream, and that golden caramel, and those nu-

STOP THE PRESS! 

Ladies and Gentmen, I have an important announcement to make. 

While searching for donkey cheesecake, I instead found this curious creature. He has HAIR! On a Donkey? This is insane. Everyone knows that Donkeys have only a short amount of hair, and this one has clearly been mistreated by his owners. Just look at the desperate look on his face. Look in to his eyes. He must be so cold and alone, knowing that no one cares about him. They just left him to overgrow, and now look at him. You'd need a pair of garden shears to cut his hair back to how it should be! Don't listen to the donkey haters who say he is actually just a different species and hasn't been abused at all. They're lying.

This post isn't going anywhere. It's just terrible. Because of this I stopped writing it and did other stuff for a bit, and I then discovered that Girlpainting on youtube, who is a fantastic painter of epic proportions has started doing livestreams. This would have been good but the quality is just awful, and they go on forever! I think she should carry on doing normal videos in HD, as the benefits greatly outweigh the coolness of it being live. That's all I have to say, so if you haven't turned into a skeleton and rotted away while reading this I thank you for getting to the end. Hopefully I don't have to post anymore if Jack comes back.

Hey! I'm not Jack...

It's Eddie from Legion of one (over on the blogroll, check me out, I'm awesome.) here to make a very important announcement: Jack is probably going to return in the near future! Yay...? Maybe not. He is very sorry that he has been unable to attend his fine blog for the last 4 months, but I'll leave the apologizing to him. Anyway, in the meantime, he has entrusted me with all my wonderful qualities to inform his tearful readers of this fact. I guess he's just too lazy to do it himself; or maybe he can't trust his meagre writing skills to justify just how important this is.

So... what to fill up a post with? The new warriors of Chaos are coming out soon. Jack likes CSM. He may or may not use them in conversions. OK I'm lying he's never going to actually convert something he's just not good enough to do that. And he prefers Orks. I think he has painted some more, and they look reasonably cool, but nowhere near as good as my plague marines are going to look... oh wait, this isn't the place to talk about them. I'm sorry.


Anyways, I recently found an inspiring picture of a unicorn. How is it inspiring I hear you ask? Well, I needed to write something, and that picture gave me inspiration to do so. Just look at his magnificent horn. And those trees, they're so snowy... and that moon, a perfect crescent. It's almost like it isn't a photograph at all! Wait, what do you mean...?




This donkey is certainly a real photograph. But he's still cool! Just look at those magnificent teeth! I have a minecraft world called Donkey land you know. It sucks. But Donkey land 2 is pretty cool. Donkeys are amazing creatures, with super powers! I found one who can fly.

Flying Donkey! Yay!

Now these here are some fabulous chocolate peanuts. Did you know they are delicious AND nutritious??? It's true, just ask the national minister for food:
'Chocolate peanuts are the most delicious food in the world and recent research has shown they are also incredibly nutritious, with 100% of your daily vitamins and minerals in every handful!' -The national minister for food (not at gunpoint.)

So there you go folks, one super cool post for Jack! He will be pleased...

$$$MONEY$$$

Hello for the second time this month as you probably know Games workshop are upping there prices yet again! =P so i decided to tell you 2 websites with better prices :)
1.Wayland games! Wayland games prices are a bit cheaper then GW but they are not the cheapest.
2.Total wargamer! Total wargamer are one if not the cheapest websites to sell Warhammer you still have to pay for postage but even then its cheaper then Wayland games, and at the moment Total wargamer have 25% off almost everything!
Wayland games is the place to buy an army but total wargamer is the place to buy single units.
So if you are looking for cheap Warhammer then both those websites are the place to go hope this helped you save some money!!!
                                                                                             -Jack

Yet another blog.

 Hello for the first time ever! I've just painted up some of my ork boys (for whoever sees this) and i thought i might show you one of the end results!!!


In case you don't know my name is Jack and from this day forward im going to update my new blog at least once a month!

By now you should have guessed that this blog will be about Warhammer 40k and my blog will include : tutorials, reviews, the latest news and showing you my work.

                                          Hope you enjoy! :)
                                                                             
                                                                                      - Jack