Jack's back! Only joking, it's me again... with an exciting murder mystery!

Rather than tending to my own, abandoned blog, instead I decided to spend my time here, willing away the hours writing useless stuff that no one will ever use or consider. I'll be in the history books one day you know. Eddie the Illuminator; they'll call me, for I enlighten those without knowledge of the techni - colored bananascape that is indeed my brain. But no, I'm here to tell you that that good for nothing son of a gun, Jack the defiler, is dead. Yes you read that right, dead. It was Christmas eve when we found him, his mangled corpse sprawled across the kitchen table like a shredded, bleeding rag. He had been lacerated by a madman, at least that's what the police said. Whoever he was, not only had he ruined our Christmas dinner, but got blood all over my mother's favorite white tablecloth. Such heinous crimes are intolerable in the eyes of society, so I took it upon myself to solve this MURDER MYSTERY. 

Step 1: Searching for clues.

I returned to the scene of the crime the very next day, and donned my super cool imaginary detective hat as I looked in the one place no forensics expert would ever think to look: under the table. There I found:

A moldy bowl of mashed potatoes.

The bloodied corpse of King Julian.

A mindless beast from hell who randomly combusted.

Each was an important clue, but try as I might, the only thing of use I actually found were the blood flecked shards of a smashed plate, which could possible have been used as the murder weapon.

Step 2: Analyzing the evidence. 

I speedily returned to my top secret underground fungeon, where I rushed to super computer and asked it to analyse the shards for fingerprints. It found only one set: my own. I therefore concluded that I was the murderer. However however however, the computer also revealed that there were leftover particles of beef left on the plate, and as I didn't eat any beef on Christmas eve, I knew it couldn't be me who was the murderer. I eventually decided that I would have to research phycotic  beef eaters to discover the true identity of Jack's murderer. 

A possible suspect

Step 3: Research

I googled 'beef eaters' and just look what came up: 

The new prime suspects

The color of their coats is almost the same color as Jack's blood. Also, they are each carrying tolling bells, a well known vicious murder weapon. Unfortunately, I was unable to track these monsters down so had to come up with a new lead. That lead came in the form of the shape of the plate shard, a triangle. Pyramids are just 3D triangles, so I decided to google 'pyramids' and see where that took me. My search led me to ancient Egypt, where I discovered that Egypt is no longer that ancient and demanded my money back from the manipulative flight company. I was flown back to the wrong country though, and ended up in a diner watching an aged episode of 'Parks and recreation', where I suddenly realised who the true murderer was.


Step 4: The final picture.

It all made sense. He eats beef. He has his own pyramid. Yes, that's right. The murderer is: (Drum roll please..) Ron Swanson! 

This vital piece of evidence was the final clue in identifying the true killer.

The murderer himself